The Truth of How I Feel
by shallowdweller
Summary: An experiment. I have thought endlessly about how Patrick Jane's feelings must have changed over the course of the series. I'd love to explore it in depth, but who has the time? Would I be able to capture those moments where something changed, though? One by one, like jewels in a necklace? We shall see. If you like drabbles, tell me what you think.
1. It's not as bad as it looks

**The chapter title quote tells what part of the episode is being explored.**

**Starting from the beginning of the pilot episode. **

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 1: "It's not as bad as it looks..."**

The guilty man on the floor. His wife holding the gun. I should have known she would choose vengeance. It brought no comfort. My fault.

And Lisbon's eyes are accusing me.

I never read the handbook when I signed up. How much trouble have I caused by inciting the victim's mother to kill the man who abused and murdered their daughter? Enough to get me fired? Enough to get Lisbon fired?

She may never forgive me for that.

It bothers me that losing her good will matters more, in this moment, than how this affects my hunt for Red John.


	2. No, I Will Not Say Please!

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 2: "No, I will not say please!"**

I wince as she swears into the phone. As I suspected, Minelli was more forgiving than Lisbon, in this case. As a leader, she craves respect. Teresa has some dignity, and I just stomped on it. How better to be sure where her limits are?

But she needs me. Correction, her team needs me. She can swallow her pride for them, as long as I don't push her too far. My shame at using that knowledge makes it easier to swallow mine.

I slink out where she can see me. If I look mildly pathetic, so much the better.


	3. And You Have an Immortal Soul

**Continuing in the pilot episode.**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 3: "...and _you_ have an immortal soul."**

Every atheist has doubts occasionally. This neither proves nor disproves atheism. Believers of all stripes have moments when they question their deeply held beliefs.

Like Grace. My attempts to shake her confidence and distract her focus have had some effect. She reluctantly recognizes that her wishful thinking could play a part in her faith.

But so, perhaps, does mine.

I admire her self-assurance. Most people are too polite, too afraid to address such deep differences candidly.

I admit, if only to myself, that I wish her to be wrong at least as strongly as she hopes to be right.


	4. The Truth Is Mine

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 2: "The Truth is Mine."**

The truth of how I feel belongs to nobody but myself.

Nobody deserves to know what goes on in my head, or the dark hole where my heart once was.

A monster like Dr. Wagner would misuse it. He is looking for weapons against me, would take pleasure in my pain, despair, rage, and weakness.

And if he were a good man, he would deserve my truth even less. Like Lisbon, Cho, VanPelt, and Rigsby, he would recoil from the ugliness if he saw it. I am the only one who deserves the hideous burden of knowing who I am.

**Thank you so much to all who have read these drabbles. I am touched that so many have kept reading, that I have received such kind reviews, and that some have even done me the honor of following my experiment. I hope you will be pleased to know that I am enjoying the experience and appreciating the response so much that I intend to continue through the episodes until the end, or until I perceive that nobody but myself is getting any enjoyment from them any longer. I am even using these drabbles as a reward for finishing other work, including regular writing on other stories that are yet incomplete. Speaking of which, I hope to have Chapter 5 of Need Not to know up by this weekend, God willing. A productive week to you all!**


	5. Don't Even Start I'm Still Angry

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 2: "Don't Even Start. I'm Still Angry."**

So I had some fun at the expense of some messed up people. So Lisbon and her team felt out of the loop until I delivered their murderer. Didn't I solve the case? Why are they hassling me for doing what works?

I refuse to feel guilty for bringing down the creep who tried to mess with my head. He needed to know I saw right through him. He was mine, just like Red John is mine.

Still, without them, Wagner would have killed me. I need them, too.

At least I can cheer Lisbon up. That's something.

**This is the last key moment from the Pilot. If I can keep on target for my real life duties and my other writing, you may see moments from Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape through the week. If you have ideas for scenes that might go well with this theme, I am open to suggestions.**


	6. Did Someone Kill My Sister?

**This is the first in my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 6: "Did someone kill my sister?"  
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Sharing the sorrow of the survivors should get easier. But it keeps reopening wounds from my own losses. Worse, I intrude upon the private grief of innocents. I am unwelcome, unworthy. I compensate by providing the justice they crave.

Frankie hovers as I piece together his sister's world from the pieces of her room. I sense his shock, pain, dread... and a familiar grim fascination. The path of vengeance draws him, too, young as he is.

Charlotte's age.

Why didn't I realize long ago? Survivers need peace more than justice. The law can't provide that. Can I?


	7. Indulgence and Necessity in One

**This continues my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 7: "...indulgence and necessity in one."**

The food is delicious.

But.

I continue sampling as he talks. His words, seasoned with good humor, go down easily. Like his meals. His manners are winsome, engaging. He invites trust. Once I was just such a likeable sociopath.

I smile blissfully as I swallow. Nobody must know my suspicions until I have more than unrestrained, unapologetic sensual gratification for evidence.

Even Saint Teresa wouldn't consider gluttony a sin that tends towards murderous lust.

But I know from bitter experience: self-interested excess crowds out what matters most. Luxury isolates. I didn't notice until it was too late.


	8. It's Illegal and It's Unethical

**This continues my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 8: "It's illegal and it's unethical."**

Control is addictive. Fun, too.

Hypnotizing Raquel is the quickest way to find Melanie's secret lover. Probably a dead end for solving her murder, but I don't intend to let this chance pass.

Of course Cho objects. That's part of the game. Hypnosis is only one means of control. Manipulating Cho is easier. I just act confident. He respects authority. Sometimes against his better judgment.

He parrots Lisbon, but he won't refuse me. He won't even let me take full responsibility. He's too honest.

How did I amuse myself before I joined the CBI?


	9. Let's Not Go off on Tangents Already

**This continues my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 9: "Let's not go off on tangents already."**

The Tolliver case changed how Lisbon sees me. Before she let many things pass. I was bereaved. She humored my whims, let me try thing she considered ridiculous, pointless "sideshows." She knew how broken I was.

Now the game has changed. When I go off book she asserts her authority, tries to rein me in. I don't want to buck her. I need her trust too much. But she doesn't see what I see. I must go behind her back or defy her head on. Being sneaky is easier.

Honestly, I dread her wrath. She can be fierce...


	10. I Knew She'd Stop Him

**This continues my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 10: "I didn't bother to formulate a plan. I knew she'd stop him."**

I never fully knew how powerful she was until she took Hector Ramirez down.

This is why I need her. She is strong where I am weak. She has forza, I rely on frauda. Both are required to bring down Red John.

This is why I fear her. She could stop my revenge, given opportunity. Even if I could overpower her, could I allow harm to her?

This is why I admire her. She does whatever is necessary. She lets nothing stop her. Not risk, not obstacles, not her own weaknesses.

Rigsby jokes, but he understands. He respects her, too.


	11. More than what's Actually There

**This continues my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 11: "You're seeing more than what's there."**

Angela's absence is felt deeply at times like these.

Lisbon thinks that my "reasons" for pursuing a different line of investigation center around sympathy for Hector's professed guilty self-loathing. She supposes my alternate explanation to be a product of wishful thinking and a fascination with intricate improbabilities. I thought by now she knew me better than that.

She calls my insight a "gift", but she still sees my contribution to the team as a fluke. How can I get her to take my ideas seriously, however far-fetched they may sometimes seem?

I miss being trusted, understood.


	12. A Far Worse Punishment

**This continues my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 12: "Being sorry is a far worse punishment than being dead."**

Sophie taught me this lesson. It was her most effective argument against taking my own life.

Now I say it for Frankie's benefit. He doesn't deserve the self-destructive path that I have chosen.

But the words suddenly take on deeper meaning for me. When I imagine the death of my quarry, I often think of making him sorry. But I know to my core that simply killing him is not enough. If I could believe, like Lisbon, that his actions would condemn him to eternal torment, I might be satisfied with his death.

But I don't.


	13. I Wouldn't Seduce You Over a Meal

**This continues my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 13: "I didn't think you were trying to seduce me."**

Really? After I carefully set up this intertraction to disract her by making her think about sex with me, it didn't even cross her mind? That can't be. For years, plenty of women have fantasized non-stop around me without me having to do a thing! She must be lying. Or in denial.

No, she isn't.

Am I not her type? Is she not into men? Suddenly I'm the one distracted. That won't do.

At least now that the thought is out there, she can't unthink it. Unfortunately, neither can I. A dangerous predicament.


	14. Everything's Funny Well, if you try

**This continues my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 14: "Everything's funny." "Well, if you try."**

All my clever maneuvering for this case, trying to convince Lisbon that I really do know what I'm talking about...attempting to win her attention for my brilliant solution without directly challenging her dilligent procedures...hustling to distract her from shady methodology until I can show her the perfect close to a well-constructed case...

And this is the result! The Ultimate Farce! I make my colleagues look like the Keystone Cops! No wonder she doesn't listen to me.

I look absurd, ridiculous. Even I have to laugh!

Can this be salvaged? Could it possibly get any worse?


	15. Drop the Gun!

**This concludes the section of my series from episode two: Red Hair and Silver Duct Tape**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 15: "Drop the Gun!"**

I had messed with her, humiliated her. Worst of all, I made her team look bad. When she stormed out, I knew it would take time to work through that.

Then the demented duo appeared. With a gun, a knife, and their latest victim.

In this game, the stakes are too high to miss details like Senora psychopath, or another red-head. Even as I dialed, I knew I was dead. Lisbon was gone, she wouldn't even answer her phone.

Yet she came!

Maybe the problem isn't just getting her to trust me, but also learning to trust her.

**Deep thanks to all who continue to read. At the request of LouiseKurylo, whose opinion I greatly respect, I have adjusted my format to help give context by providing the names of the episodes from which each scene is taken. Special thanks to MichaelaD, who pointed out a confusion that helped me to refine my wording. I appreciate any suggestions that will help improve clarity in thought and presentation.**

**Today, God willing, I hope to move on to the third episode, with not nearly as many good scenes IMO. In fact, if you know of any good scenes in Red Tide, do point them out because so far I only see three. They do not have to be Jisbon scenes, but they should point up some change in Jane's thinking, or at least some way he thinks at this point in the series that is going to change later on. Or even just a disconnect between what he says and does and what he is likely thinking. If nobody can think of any, that's fine. This is far from my favorite episode, so I'm okay with spending far less time on it so that I can spend more where it really counts.**


	16. That Would Be a Trick

**This begins the very short section of my series from episode three****: Red Tide**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 16: "That _would _be a trick."**

All four pairs of eyes follow me, focusing on vanPelt's face and hands. She has already told me all I need to locate the keys, but I bask awhile longer in their attention. Sometimes I miss this feeling.

Still, this is better than my old routines in so many ways. I'm not fooling anyone. They know my discoveries are my own doing, not supernatural beings whispering in my ear. It feels good to win their admiration and build morale at the same time. I learn their responses, and team spirit grows.

Lisbon approves. That itself is reason enough.

**I wasn't sure this moment was worth exploring. Now I wish I had more than 100 words so I could dig deeper. Would it be weird to also expand this to a one-shot? I know that it has probably been done better, already, but I'd love to try my hand at it...**


	17. I Have No Superiors

**This begins the very short section of my series from episode three****: Red Tide**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 17: "I _have _no superiors."  
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It takes little time to discern what kind of pervert "Pops" is. Christine was way too young, and that's how Kurtik liked it. He thought nobody could hold him accountable for using an underage girl.

But I will.

If Lisbon knew as I know, could she be that obsequious? Law should serve justice, not hinder it. But the law binds her hands and stops her mouth. She dares do nothing without clear evidence.

I fear no law. This self-important, condescending cretin thinks that he can threaten and intimidate me. He has no idea with whom he is dealing.


	18. If You Were 15 Years Younger

**This continues the very short section of my series from episode three****: Red Tide**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 18: "If you were 15 years younger, I'd give you a shot."  
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Lisbon holds her ground as Kurtik leers. Her skin crawls, but Pops won't see it.

He is taunting _her_ to punish _me_ for accusing him. I feel a twinge of guilt, but my face remains untroubled. I no longer care what I may sacrifice in pursuit of vengeance. Can I be reprimanded? Suspended? Fired? Jailed? Tortured? Killed?

I am prepared to suffer all this and more to secure justice. Not just for me. For my family. Maybe for any innocent victim.

Is there any price I won't pay?

I watch Lisbon's stiff posture and closed face and wonder.

**Special thanks to Mrs. Sastre for stimulating discussion of the last chapter that helped to shape this one. And to anyone who was reassuring me that you would still read this story if I dispensed with word counts, my thanks. Still, I find that I rather like the mental challenge of making my thoughts fit in a basic structure. It's like a puzzle. Verbal sudoku. But when I find one scene that makes it particularly tough to not say more, I mentally tag it. I may come back to it later when I have time between adventures!**


	19. Get Some Help

**This completes the very short section of my series from episode three****: Red Tide**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 19: "Get some help. Your kids deserve it. So do you."**

If Lisbon knew I was watching this conversation, she might not follow through. She is intensely private. It still bothers her how much I know about her without being told. This account from her past is a big key to why.

Her story and her plea to Mr. Tanner confirm so much that I suspected already. But I find myself in awe. Of what she has survived. How she uses her pain to spur compassion for others. How she offers this man compassion on behalf of the father who betrayed her trust.

She deserves more consideration than I dare give.

**Even when I forget to say it, I hope all who read these drabbles know how deeply I appreciate your attention. And especially those who take time to review or message me privately. **

**I am in the midst of an intense real life adventure, which is why I did not post yesterday and probably won't tomorrow either. I really hope to do Patrick's chapter of The Illusion of Control before Thanksgiving, but it is a crucial and challenging piece, so I may put the drabbles on hold for a bit so that I can give my full writing focus to that task. But after the family time is over, I hope to start on episode 4, which is full of good stuff. We'll see how much ground I can cover before (yay!) the season premiere!**


	20. Let me demonstrate

**This begins the section of my series from episode four:**** Ladies in Red**

**If you do not clearly remember the episode and have no access to the video, you can refresh your memory and provide some context by checking out the mentalist episode scripts at the Springfield!Springfield! site.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 20: "Let me demonstrate."**

Watching Rigsby pine over vanPelt is painfully awkward. More so because I personally derailed him from the start. This may be my chance to wipe that slate clean.

Admittedly, I may be somewhat out of practice. Seducing one's wife is far easier than gaining the trust of a stranger. But the principle remains the same. And in this case, it will require little acting. She is almost too attractive. Frightened. Obviously needs _someone _besides the hovering lawyer.

Giving Rigsby his example and gaining Jennifer's trust kills two birds with one stone. If I can avoid emotional entanglement myself.


	21. Maybe a Little

**This continues the section of my series from episode four:**** Ladies in Red**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 21: "Maybe a little."**

I rarely second-guess myself. But perhaps I was hasty in using seduction as a ploy.

Had I realized that I was this vulnerable, would I have sought a personal connection with a beautiful widow? And a sweet little girl, too.

Maybe. Masochism is not completely out of character for me. Especially since...

Lisbon needs to know I can handle it. The way she is looking at me makes me wonder how much she sees. She's worried that I could get hurt. Does she know that it's already too late? For once I envy her strict professional boundaries.

**I finally decided that I had to keep the drabbles moving, even though my chapter of The Illusion of Control is giving me fits. Maybe even because I feel so stymied. These shorts seem to come more easily. Anyway, pretty soon you'll all have fresh cannon to enjoy. Meanwhile, I appreciate readers, and any reviews you can spare are much appreciated.**


	22. That Was Serious This? No

**This continues the section of my series from episode four:**** Ladies in Red**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 22: "That was serious. This? No."**

She's tough. Angry. More afraid than she will admit. And in spite of her bravado, she does not appear to be lying.

She loved Jason. Loves Julie.

Adrianna's story contradicts the widow's at several key points. Only now do I feel just how much I want to believe Jennifer. If Lisbon could see my turmoil, could she resist saying "I told you so"?

One of them is playing me for a fool. I hate that. I can't let my feelings rule my judgment, like a mark. I have to know which one is telling the truth.


	23. I Need Someone to Hold Me

**This continues the section of my series from episode four:**** Ladies in Red**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 23: "I need someone to hold me."**

Isn't it possible, I ask myself, that she just wasn't paying attention? Does confusing an oboe and a bassoon mean that she could torture her husband? Lie to me when I've been trying to help her?

I struggle to fully believe that her tears, her distress, aren't real. To some degree, they probably are. Her lonely yearning resonates within me. Everyone needs tenderness, sometimes. Would it hurt to pretend, for the moment, to accept hers?

Yes, it would.

Love and affection can draw anyone in. I am far from immune.


	24. I Wanted to Win the Bet, Too

**This concludes the section of my series from episode four:**** Ladies in Red**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 24: "I wanted to win the bet, too,"**

Technically, I did win the bet. Jennifer would have given me whatever I asked. But it would have cost me more than Rigsby's hundred bucks and the embarassment of admitting defeat.

Even if she had been genuinely bereaved, rather than a cold murderous manipulator, I could not have paid the price. I have nothing to offer a decent woman, and no energy to spare for any other kind.

Except, perhaps, a woman like Adrianna, who has had hurts enough in her life to build her strength. So that nothing I could do would ultimately hurt her.

Dream on, Patrick...


	25. It's In Her Eyes

**This is from episode five: Redwood****  
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**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 25: "It's in her eyes."**

Before working in law enforcement, I never justified my hunches. I was a "psychic". Nobody expects a psychic to lay out evidence. Psychics needn't explain their claims logically.

Usually I can point to something that backs up my intuition. Since disowning my former profession, I make it a point of honor to do so.

But I can't pinpoint why I am certain that Nicole is a victim, not Kara's killer. A lack of compelling motive is one factor. But, more than that, her face reveals a too-familiar mind-scape. Trauma. Desperation. Denial.

Like a shattered mirror.

**I really had to dig for this treasure, but I am so glad I found it! **

**I so appreciate those who contine to read, when I know fresh insights from the new season are more immediately attractive. If you have time, though, I would love to know: do you have favorite moments from this series so far? My top 5 includes chapters 3, 4, 8, 19, and 23. **


	26. I've Been Where You're Going

**Also from episode five: Redwood. Probably the last scene from this show, which is one of my least favorite. And yet it yielded two really good moments, which goes to show that even at its worst, The Mentalist is an excellent program.****  
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**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 26: "I've been where you're going."**

There are easier, less painful ways to solve a murder. But recovering from a horrific experience is never painless, and often the easiest approach is to just deal with it. If I thought that Nicole would heal in that hospital room with clouds of guilt and doubt and suspicion thick enough to choke her, I would have left her to the doctors.

From Sophie I learned that facing emotional wounds is agonizing, and messy, and absolutely necessary. I'm no psychiatrist. Will firm encouragement and empathy supply what she needs? Can I help her find peace?

I truly hope so.


	27. But Here, In Nevada

**Here begins my series on one of my very favorites, episode six: Red Handed. Pack a lunch, this might take a while. I have selected ten moments, after eliminating even more quotes that I would have loved to use. If your favorite scene didn't make the cut, please fogive me. Better yet, write up your own version of that scene. I'd gladly read it.**

**The Springfield! Springfield! Write-up of this episode is very confusing in some spots, so if you can't remember or rewatch this show, I would gladly help explain or correct their script for anyone who needs assistance. Just send me a pm.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 27: "But here, in Nevada, it's okay to bet on body parts."**

Cho and vanPelt each attempt not to smile at Rigsby's tomfoolery. Grace is more committed to her serious stance, but Cho has more experience with remaining deadpan in the face of the ridiculous. I lay the odds in my head and am not surprised when Cho wins, hands down.

It suddenly strikes me what exceptional people I work with.

In the face of the worst elements of humanity that confront them every day, they still keep their sense of humor, their uniquely upbeat personalities, and their determination to do their jobs well, whatever the difficulty.

How strange it feels to read people for mere pleasure, not personal gain.


	28. Figured There'd be a Photo

**Continuing ****episode six: Red Handed. **

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 28: "Figured there'd be a photo."**

Juat solving the murder is easy. The real challenge and satisfaction, I am discovering, comes from developing closure. Nurturing peace that is often sorely needed by the survivers.

Take Jessica Meiers, for example. In a troubled marriage to a compulsive gambler. Like Lisbon, she loved her father, but never felt she had the love she needed from him. So she undervalues herself, puts up with inattention and disrespect from her husband.

Is there a way, in the midst of this tragedy, to help her reframe her self image? To help her picture herself as someone worth lavish, unwavering love?


	29. I'll Give it Back to you Double

**Continuing ****episode six: Red Handed. **

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 29: "I'll give it back to you double."**

She thinks I want to play around in the casino to show off. She's right. But I won't stop there.

She still doesn't realize that when I joined her team, she hit the jackpot. I can solve her cases and all her problems. I could make her whole team rich.

I could promise her power, prestige, anything to secure her loyalty. And I could deliver.

All she wants right now is to find out what "43" means. To get justice for James Meier. Also, she hopes she won't lose her hundred dollars.

She has no idea.


	30. Well, That was Fun While it Lasted

**Continuing ****episode six: Red Handed. **

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 30: "Well, that was fun while it lasted"**

Once I discovered the dishonest blackjack dealer, I tipped my hand. I had won enough money that further subtlety was unnecessary. Tweaking the management gives me a chance to observe reactions while the bigwigs are off-balance.

And now for the key part of today's plan.

Solving a murder is fun, but it is never my main goal. It keeps me sharp, sane, and focused for my hunt. More importantly, it secures the resources I need. Especially the support of this team. Tonight, I intend to show them a good time. People who are highly valued are extremely loyal.


	31. Carbon Placed Under Extreme Pressure

**Continuing ****episode six: Red Handed. **

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 31: "Carbon placed under extreme pressure."**

Her eyes lit up like Christmas when she opened the box. I never met a woman who could resist the allure of precious gemstones. I've never seen that kind of glow on Lisbon. It suits her.

Then she said she couldn't accept it. Worse, she meant it. Can she truly care more about regulations than she does about what I can give her?

No, not regulations. Integrity. She finds the necklace beautiful, but the beauty of doing right captivates her more.

I never expected this.

Everybody has a price, Dad used to say. Could he have been wrong?


	32. Emeralds Look Lovely With Your Eyes

**Continuing ****episode six: Red Handed.**

**In posting this I am breaking one of my own rules. I told myself I wouldn't post two moments from the same scene. But I couldn't leave the last moment unbalanced. And I don't intend to lose Jane's moment with the guys, either. That's what's coming up next.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 32: "I know those emeralds look lovely with your eyes."**

The waste is knowing she'll never wear that necklace again. Even if I can't have her unquestioning allegiance, if what she wants most isn't something I can purchase her, it was a pleasure watching her relax her guard with that face framed in elegance. By my design.

Much as this vision quickens my pulse, her real beauty is within. I take no credit for that. Although without risking some very dangerous honesty tonight, I might never have seen it.

Even world peace wouldn't buy her. Gambling for just her smile has already cost me too dearly.


	33. That's My Boys Live it Up

**Continuing ****episode six: Red Handed.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 32: "That's my boys. Live it up!"**

This is not what I planned. I intended to treat the team to an expensive meal, impress them with my wit and sophistication, draw them into my orbit. But Lisbon's principles forced me to scale back. Now I am drawn into theirs.

Cho and Rigsby don't see me as urbane or admirable. Interesting, maybe. Fun, handy. Even trustworthy. A member of their team.

When they look at those expensive watches, they don't see strings. They see gifts from a friend.

They don't feel obligated.

They're not.

It's a privilege to buck regulations with them.


	34. If I Told You About Every Hunch

**Continuing ****episode six: Red Handed.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 34: "If I told you about every hunch, you'd get very irritated."**

It felt good letting down my guard last night. It felt better yet to give my winnings to a worthy cause. I think Lisbon would approve. If she knew.

But that is one of many things that I will never tell her. Because ...

...knowing me too well might do worse than irritate her.

...I can't risk losing her support, or the fragile trust we have.

...She knows I am fallible, but cannot conceive how broken.

...I want to be the kind of man that she could admire. I can't risk her knowing that she has that much influence.


	35. Harpooning a Whale

**Continuing ****episode six: Red Handed.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 35: "Harpooning a whale."**

The team is clearly on course. They can solve the murder with little assistance this time. But the final blow is mine, as is the trophy that will restore the fortunes of the bereaved.

This kind of game sharpens my eye, perfects my aim, hones my wit like the weapon it is. This degenerate gambler isn't nearly the big fish he thinks he is. Easily lead, not on his guard, all too easy to target.

But he'll do. I practice on lesser villains, until I find my red whale, my obsession.

When that day comes, I'll be ready.

**I actually had a chapter based on "Mum's the word," but it was too similar to the preceding chapter. This one actually anticipates a future episode, but the theme of vengeance is a strong current in the Mentalist, so I expect we'll be revisiting Melville more than once...**


	36. How's That For Denial?

**Continuing ****episode six: Red Handed.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 36: "How's that for denial?"**

When he insisted that his wife was not involved, I momentarily thought that he might have some kind of heart. Then he called her an idiot for not suspecting him.

His ego is staggering.

He thinks treating his wife as a commodity for barter, sinking her ever deeper into debt, killing her own father to keep her, makes him a professional? Degenerate is too kind.

I would rather go to an early, solitary grave than let another woman suffer because of her love for me.

I know about having a bad streak. It should never be shared with loved ones.

**Thanks for reading, reviewing, favoriting, following, and especially for your patience. I have one more drabble planned for this episode, and I am really close on the next chapter of The Illusion of Control. Hope the new year is being kind to you.**


	37. He Was There for You

**This concludes ****episode six: Red Handed.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 37: "So in the end, he _was_ there for you."**

Everyone has father issues. Some have more reasons than others.

Jessica's father missed most of her childhood, left her and her mother emotionally adrift. But he cared enough to face down a monster, to the death, when he realized what was at stake. I envy his fatal opportunity.

Had I been there to stand between Red John and Charlotte, I would have stopped him. Had it cost me my life, maybe she would have taken comfort from knowing she was loved.

What ifs are useless.

In tribute for Meier's courage, I offer his daughter what mine should have.

**If this seems different than the first time you read it, that may be because I made some adjustments after posting. My apologies.**

**Thank you for being patient with this very long series, from one of my favorite episodes ever. If my varying approaches to the multifaceted hero seemed disjointed in places, my apologies. It's hard to capture such a ****complex character in such short bits. I am hoping it has the effect of what Jane looks for in people's homes. Photos, design, possessions, little things that together create a composite of what matters to and about an individual.**

**Anyway, thanks, as always, for reading, commenting, favoriting, or following. It means more than you know.**


	38. Maybe you're projecting

**This begins ****episode seven: Seeing Red.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this. Which may be why I got off track when my work kicked into full gear in the new year. But enough excuses. I'm glad to be back.**

**chapter 38: "Maybe you're projecting."**

She is smooth, attractive, articulate... and either deluded or dangerously deceitful. Possibly both. I know a sociopath when I see one, and anyone who would prey on the beliefs of the gullible is not to be trusted under any circumstances.

If she wants to "help" us, the most likely reasons are a desire for attention or...guilt. A desire to cover up her involvement.

I won't be sucked in. I know better. This woman is a manipulator. Even if she is not behind this murder, her so-called profession is beneath contempt.

And who should know better than me?


	39. A Little Self-Involved, Maybe?

**This begins ****episode seven: Seeing Red.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this. **

**chapter 38: "A little self-involved, maybe?"**

This accusation hits home. Angela used to tell me sometimes that I make everything about myself. If I want to see this "psychic" clearly, I can't let my ego get in the way. It would be a big mistake to underestimate her.

She didn't google me. She read me. I consider myself adept at concealing my thoughts and motivations, but I don't usually deal with people as perceptive and skilled as Kristina Frye. If I wanted to keep the upper hand, I should not have made my mistrust so immediately obvious.

Now she is on her guard.


	40. You're in My Personal Space

**This begins ****episode seven: Seeing Red.**

**The quote, spoken by a houseguest/boyfriend(?) of the deceased, is a response to Jane's observation that the studio that he commandeered used to be the room where her son slept. **

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this. **

**chapter 39: "You're in my personal space."**

Jeremy's "personal space" extended between a woman and her children, yet he is concerned about boundaries?

The easy-going artist routine may have played well for Rosemary, but the real Jeremy is exacting, demanding, and controlling. He subtly took over Rosemary's life and intruded on her home, literally shutting her son out. I wonder if the daughter felt excluded from her mother's world, as well.

The photographer would prefer to deny even the negative images of himself that our questions are revealing. Even if he had nothing to do with the murder, his presence suggests hidden aggression.


	41. A Rare and Precious Gift

**This begins ****episode seven: Seeing Red.**

**This comes from the scene where it is discovered that Kristina Frye had be been added to Rosemary's will. Grace VanPelt argues that she wouldn't have cast suspicion on herself if she was guilty, and continues to believe the best of the "psychic." Jane, contrarily, believes the very worst of her. Makes for good dramatic tension, even if you think (as I do) that they are both wrong. Just one of the reasons that this is among my very favorite episodes.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this. **

**chapter 40: "A rare and precious gift."**

Grace means well. Her naivete is usually harmless. But to believe that Kristina Frye has any supernatural power is delusional. Her best talent, as far as I can see, is parting fools from their money. She's playing with us. I haven't figured out her game yet. But I, for one, won't be playing by her rules.

"Psychic powers" are the gift that keeps on giving. You can trade your talent for all kinds of things. Trust, for example. People start to think that you know everything. That you always have their best interests at heart.

Very convenient.


	42. Always Dancing! Why is That?

**This begins ****episode seven: Seeing Red.**

**The verbal repartee between Jane and Kristina Frye is part of the sparkle and charm of this extremely well written episode. When she commented on his verbal "moves" it occurred to me that Jane might actually know the answer, or answers, to her question. These are some of the answers that he would never have said out loud, but as quick as he is, they may all have passed through that sparkling mind in the moment before he said "Don't try to cold read me."**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this. **

**chapter 42: "Always dancing. Why is that?"**

Because it's harder to hit a moving target.

Because showing off my talents keeps me sharp.

Because as long as I keep moving, I am still alive, even if my heart feels dead.

Because in spite of my loss, I keep wishing that I could find someone who could keep up with me.

Maybe... you, Kristina?

No.

This woman is a fraud, possibly a killer. While sparring with her is challenging, even fun, I don't dare let myself enjoy it. If I could trust her, it would be more dangerous yet.

Because she also knows how to dance.


	43. Not Better than Me, Mind You

**This begins ****episode seven: Seeing Red.**

**By this point in the story, Baker was playing Jane as shaken. When Lisbon hints his real problem could be wounded pride, he acknowledges the possibility. Given the future direction of the relationship, it seemed a good place to explore his doubts.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 43: "Not better than me, mind you..."**

It galls me that Kristina was right. And even more that Lisbon is, too. It didn't require supernatural guidance or inside knowledge to figure out that a big murder weapon, like a car, requires a very large hiding place. I should have thought of the reservoir myself.

It worries me that I can detect no deceit in her. It's as if she truly believes that she's helping people. That the insight we both have is supernatural.

I absolutely know it must be gross delusion or diabolical trickery. That I cannot find evidence of either is...unnerving.


	44. Well, That's Very Flattering

**This begins ****episode seven: Seeing Red.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 43: "Well, That's Very Flattering."**

I know why Kristina dominates my focus. But why does she show such attention to me? To distract me from her possible involvement in Rosemary's murder? That would make sense.

But if my current theory is correct, and she isn't involved...

When I engage in witticism, she matches me barb for barb. After calling me self-involved, she researched my tragic history. When she admitted to a sexual relationship with Jeremy, she looked right at me. An _intentional_ invitation to fantasize? And then the elaborate, backhanded compliment.

Why does attraction trouble me even more deeply than murderous fraud?


	45. That Would Be Very Sad

**This continues ****episode seven: Seeing Red.**

**I always loved this scene. I loved how Grace, in spite of her anger, shows that she cares deeply about Jane's pain. Partly by her words, and partly by regretting afterwords the pain that they might have caused. I also love how Jane is able to recognize and honor her feelings, after belittling her for most of the episode. Here he demonstrates not just tolerance of her beliefs, but respect. **

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 45: "... that would be very sad."**

Grace is not easily angered. But the reason for her anger surprises me even more.

While we have mocked her earnest reverence for the after-life, it isn't just hurt pride that raised her ire. Behind her fierce words, there is genuine concern for me. She knows that I am tortured by grief and guilt. In her eyes, it is my own stubborn disbelief that entrenches my woes, blocks my hope, and blinds me to comforting possibilities. She wants to help me.

Unconvincing as her arguments are, her kindness is touching.

Could this be how Kristina sees me, too?


	46. Parents Should Protect Their Children

**This continues ****episode seven: Seeing Red.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 46: "Parents are supposed to protect their kids."**

Clara is right.

Rosemary was culpable in this situation for letting a user come between her and her family. She was their mother. No matter how people like Jeremy and Kristina made her feel, her son and her daughter should have come first.

She didn't deserve to die for her weakness.

But it's good for me to remember.

If I let distractions come between me and what I must do, there is a price to be paid. Nobody else should pay for my mistakes. Not even those who tempt me to make them.

I must stay on guard.


	47. You're Done Channeling?

**This concludes ****episode seven: Seeing Red.**

**The views here expressed by Patrick Jane are in no way reflective of the beliefs of this author. Except, perhaps, as a broken mirror, or a photo negative.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 47: "You're done channeling?"**

I hate her for what she has done to me. And even more because she only means to help. But the worst part is that I have been stripped naked. Exposed. No way to hide.

Damn her!

I know it can not be true. No afterlife. No God. I won't believe such nonsense just to ease my conscience or soothe my grief. I won't clutch at illusion, pretending all is well. This is the first time I have ever been so tempted.

But oh, my sweet Charlotte! My baby, my precious little girl! If only I could know...


	48. Hello, Baby Hello

**This begins**** episode eight: The Thin Red Line.**

**This scene is one major reason that I feel that the tail end of the finale was appropriate and fitting.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 48: "Hello, baby. Hello."**

When did I last hold an infant? It seems like forever ago. She is quiet, clean, well fed. Must have slept through the gun shots. Her mother was wise to leave the car window cracked.

The scent, the warm weight, remind me of Charlotte. But it is impossible to be other than happy holding an armful of warm, living contentment. I beam at Lisbon and watch her professional facade melt into tender adoration.

She is happy with her work, has done her time as nurturing caregiver to three busy brothers.

And she would make an excellent mother.

Not my business.


	49. You Were Saying it Ironically

**This begins**** episode eight: The Thin Red Line.**

**To anyone who doesn't remember the episode, the local homicide detectives make light of Lisbon's input to a case, and Jane challenges their assumptions, which results in further disdain. Jane calls them "sexist pigs" but Lisbon doesn't read that as support...**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 49: "You were saying it ironically."**

It bothers me that they were so dismissive of Lisbon. With all their experience, they don't recognize leadership and instincts in a female body. They trust the old boys club, bravado, and ties of brotherhood. So confident in their partnership, their shared history and values.

It shuts them off from a real collaboration. Their loss.

It bothers me even more that Lisbon doesn't realize how firmly I am in her corner. She is so used to being patronized, belittled, ignored. It blinds her to my loyalty and respect for her.

I wonder what her loss is. Or mine.


	50. They'll Take Care of Her Good?

**This continues**** episode eight: The Thin Red Line.**

**Lacey Wells lived with Kalee and her mother, but knew she could not take on the care of an infant. Still, like Jane, she was troubled about the baby's well-being. I admired her for her concern and for her wisdom in knowing that she wasn't able to solve that problem herself. So it is appropriate to accord her the dignity of being a catalyst to Jane's eventual solution.**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 50: "They'll take care of her good?"**

Lisbon was willing to pursue this angle because she is thorough and meticulous, because she knows that my hunches often bear fruit, and because the local police are neglecting any angle but their own.

I pursue it largely because Kaylee's mother deserves the consideration.

The cops see a state's witness killed, the tragedy of possibly freeing a notorious criminal. I see a motherless child, the tragedy of an innocent suddenly bereft of loving family.

Who looks out for her interests? Neither Lacey Wells nor I could provide stability. Mere bureaucracy could not provide genuine tenderness.

But somebody should.

**By the way, thank you so much to all who are still reading after 50 chapters. Thank you to anyone who reviews. **


	51. Walk Away!

**This continues**** episode eight: The Thin Red Line.**

**"Walk Away" is used twice in the episode. The first time when Cho talks Rigsby down from escalating a conflict with the local PD after they decide to go after Carris without Lisbon present. The second time is after Lisbon and her SCU are the ones to actually bring Carris down (with a little help from Jane) and claim him as their bust over the objections of Preciado. That is the context of this drabble.**

**If you ask, "Is this a significant change in Jane's feelings?" I answer, "His continued growth in a feeling of connection to the team, identifying with them as a member of their group rather than as an outsider manipulating them for his own purposes, was absolutely essential to this series. And it happened subtly, in moments like this, throughout the first 6 seasons."**

**I do not own The Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 51: "Walk Away!"**

Working with the Special Crimes Unit not only gets me closer to Red John, it is personally gratifying in its own right.

My initial hunch, that Rick Carris did not kill these people, still seems probable. But catching him is still necessary. If only so that Blakely and Preciado don't railroad this investigation. I am not expected to help with a take-down. But if I can make certain, with even the slightest effort, that the right people catch him, then I may sleep a little more soundly.

Seeing Cho and Rigsby silently celebrate Lisbon's triumph is priceless.

**In curiosity, which of the 51 chapters so far were scenes that you as a reader would not have thought important? Did the drabble change your view of that scene, or not? If so, how?**


	52. It's All About the Balance, Grace

**This continues**** episode eight: The Thin Red Line.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 52: "It's all about the balance, Grace."**

How did we manage before Grace came? She has more than earned her place among us. But still she flies under the radar, tries not to make waves. The others don't see how easily she bends. Cops take their authority for granted. At least, once they have found their niche.

As much as she gives, as much as she adds to the SCU, she has as much right as any to field assignments. Driving privileges. Her choice of pizza topping.

She doesn't need permission to assert herself. She just needs a reminder of the power she already wields.


	53. Keep 'em Warm and Fed, They're Happy

**This continues**** episode eight: The Thin Red Line.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 53: "Keep 'em warm and fed, they're happy."**

Where to begin?

Observing people was always my livelihood. Observing infants and children was my delight, even before Charlotte's birth. They haven't learned to hide their feelings and motives. But their needs are as complex and deep as those of any adult. They are individuals from birth. Even before that, according to some mothers of many.

It doesn't usually bother me that other people miss most of the things that I see. But I find it surprising and sad that a person as compassionate as Grace understands so little about the most helpless and innocent among us.

**Thanks as always for reading and reviewing.**


	54. Good-Looking Man Like You

**This continues**** episode eight: The Thin Red Line.**

**This is another one where your mileage may vary, but in the scene where Lisbon interrogates Preciado, this line earns her a significant look from Jane that clearly meant something, even though she didn't notice it. This is my guess at what it meant.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 53: "Good-looking man like you, there had to be more to it than that."**

Usually Lisbon is transparent, remarkably forthright. Calling Preciado "good-looking" could just be a way to flatter him into giving things away. That her words are more than a gambit is a notion I find both surprising and unaccountably disturbing.

Not that she is attracted to him personally. His machismo is too pronounced for that. But if Lisbon has a physical type, Preciado embodies it. Dark, tough, Physically imposing.

Everything I'm not.

This is a good thing. I needn't worry about leading her on. She wants nothing from me but my crime solving skills.

What a relief.

No, _really_.

**So. The slightest hint of jealousy, a heaping dose of denial. It isn't the beginning of a romance, but it might be part of the preparation of the seeds it will spring from. Anyone agree? Disagree? Why or why not?**


	55. You're Translucent

**This continues**** episode eight: The Thin Red Line.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 55: "Sorry to burst your bubble, but you're translucent, my dear."**

It isn't completely true. Lisbon can be convincing, when she must. But her conscience bothers her when it comes to outright dishonesty, especially with authority figures. Although I catch her even in her subtle lies of omission more often than not, there are times when I'm not quite sure if I'm reading her right. And as private as she is, there are mysteries behind those eyes that I have barely glimpsed.

But If I can make her doubt her ability to hide the truth from me, that doubt becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And a necessary tool.


	56. There is No Shame in Feeling Sad

**This continues**** episode eight: The Thin Red Line.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 56: "...there is no shame in feeling sad."**

She may be proud of her two police officers, but Mrs. Blakely is the true strength of this family. She knows suffering and betrayal intimately, and has survived it. She can bend with the pain, and stand firm. Her husband and her son may value honor, but she is the one that fully lives it.

I hate to heap more pain and doubt upon her. But she deserves honesty. As I see understanding dawning in her eyes, I begin to see what they have hidden from her.

For shame.

To grieve her with more falsehood is truly cause for shame.


	57. There's Always a Reckoning

**This continues**** episode eight: The Thin Red Line.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 57: "There's always a reckoning."**

His rueful admission rings a bell for me. A little slip of integrity here, a little dishonesty there. Whether the reasons are selfish or well-intentioned, it all adds up. Sooner or later, the bill comes due.

When I made my last accounting, the cost completely broke me.

Should I have taken the lesson then? Started over and spent all my efforts on being a better person? Instead I deceive and manipulate good people, in pursuit of vengeance. All my clever maneuverings could build a tab I have no means to pay.

Then again, I have nothing left to lose.


	58. She's Very Fond of Cheerios

**This continues**** episode eight: The Thin Red Line.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 58: "She's very fond of cheerios. That's, uh, that has nothing to do with me."**

I have let these people in for a world of trouble by calling Social Services to their door under false pretenses. Not that I have moral scruples about deceiving bureaucrats. But now Katherine and Dale have the better part of the morning to figure out that they need the little girl as badly as she needs them.

Once they understand that, they will do whatever is necessary to keep her.

What worries me more now is how to get rid of the rest of the cheerios. The very smell brings back old memories. But I can't throw them out.

**I always loved how Jane figured out the best way to bring healing to this family. But I got to thinking about the ways that doing so would be emotionally difficult for Jane. The fact that he stuck his neck out and faced the associations with Charlotte as an infant for Kaylee's sake makes me admire the man that much more.**


	59. What Reason Do I Think?

**This begins episode 9****: Flame Red.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 59: "What reason do I think?"**

Obviously by now Lisbon has entertained a sexual fantasy or two (likely more) about me. It embarrasses her that I can tell. But there is something else that she is hiding, something that bothers her even more than the odd impure thought.

Not knowing kills me.

I can't let her see that. This is a game that I enjoy far too much. The player who discovers the most, while revealing the least, wins. She must believe me nearly omniscient, if I am to keep her off balance.

She finally figured out the rules. I'm still winning. I think.

**Maybe I'm nuts, but I think Jane was telling the truth when he said that Lisbon remains an enticing mystery to him, and deceiving himself when he said "I love that you're predictable." The smartest man in the room has a pretty predictable weakness where strong, attractive women are concerned, and I think Lisbon confounded him more than he ever let on, in spite of her reflexive honesty.**


	60. What are you, a moron?

**This continues episode 9****: Flame Red.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 60: "What are you, a moron?"**

Maddie doesn't have just a chip on her shoulder, she has a whole rock slide. I can see why, of course, with her father gruesomely murdered, her mother engaged in an affair with one of his closest friends, on top of adolescent hormones and an identity crisis. Still, coddling her will not help. Honesty and answers are her path to peace.

Like most teenagers, she feels powerless. Yet by seeing what others hide, she has the power to help set things right. If she has to courage to tell the truth plainly rather than hiding her rage behind attitude.

**Why did I pick this quote for the scene? First because it gives us a picture of who Maddie Garcia is and how she uses snark as a defense. But also because I find it fascinating that Maddie calls Patrick Jane a "moron" and the neighbor in his skull shirt "retarded." Was this an early hint that "Tommy" was also more than he seemed?**


	61. You Want to Try That Again?

**This continues episode 9****: Flame Red.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 61: "You want to try that again with a little more feeling?"**

Maddy never voiced her suspicions. She didn't have to. She did inadvertently give me a great opening to confront Mrs. Garcia with her affair. The response was what I expected.

I don't enjoy tormenting survivors. But ultimately uncovering the truth benefits them, as well. Unless they did it. In which case, a little torment seems appropriate. And even if she didn't do it, facing unpleasant truths about oneself is one of the few good things that can come from a tragedy of this kind.

That and clearing the air.

Lisbon doesn't protest this time. She understands.


	62. Interesting New Level of Cruelty

**This continues episode 9****: Flame Red.**

**It has been a long time. Please pardon the absence, it has been a very busy spring in RL. **

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 62: "Interesting new level of cruelty."**

One man is dead and another hospitalized. It could only be vengeance. Only implacable fury of that kind would seek such an agonizing means to kill. Find the man who matches the motive, and we will have our killer.

The perpetrator would have my wholehearted admiration, except for one thing. Rigsby did not deserve to be collateral damage. His mental acuity is never his most remarkable quality, but to see him laid low by drugs, just to keep the pain at bay...the killer overstepped. For that he will be held accountable.

But first, I will make his justice complete.

**The episode is darker than it plays on the surface. Comedic elements offset the real thrust of Jane's intentions, and the lines drawn between law, justice, and vengeance. I honestly think that he mostly empathized with the killer as soon as he realized what the motive was. If not for his loyalty to Lisbon and the team, he might have been tempted to light Machado up himself. But the complexity of the undercurrents deserve careful treatment... stay tuned.**


	63. Keep an Eye Out, Tommy

**This continues episode 9****: Flame Red.**

**I almost used a different quote, Patrick Jane's own "We have an audience." Would anyone care to speculate as to why I changed it?**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 63: "Keep an eye out, Tommy."**

Our "audience" is putting on a pretty good show himself. The careful, earnest art, like childish scrawls, hanging everywhere. The simple phrases, quick changes of topic. He seems the very opposite of self-conscious.

And even before I found his copy of Melville, I found his performance too pat. A bit too innocent.

Yet his tribute to his friend was simple and genuine. He knows the fire was no accident. He understands the greed that kindled it.

It's too soon to test my theory. For now, I will let him continue to walk seeing, but unseen. As I do.


	64. Do You Want to Know My Guess?

**This continues episode 9****: Flame Red.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 64: "Do you want to know my guess?"**

Every moment I grow more certain.

Of course Machado doesn't want any speculation on why someone would target him and his buddies. A correct guess would put him away. If enough evidence could be found.

For me, there's already sufficient evidence. If someone killed him for his part in Martin's death, it would fitting and just, no matter how painful. And he knows it, which is why being released scares him almost as much as being framed for the murders he didn't commit.

Can Tommy finish the job before I get a confession? We'll see.

**My deep thanks to all who patiently waited, to all who read, reread, and review. And if any of you follow my other stories, I hope you will be encouraged to know that I am still working on The Illusion of Control, Need Not to Know, and Did I Mess Up? **


	65. I Had No Idea

**This continues episode 9****: Flame Red.**

**I always saw this dialog, addressing the differing goals of Lisbon and Jane regarding Red John, as one of the dramatic lynchpins of the series. I hope that my version of Jane's mental summation does the moment justice.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 65: "I had no idea you were so bourgeois and conventional on the issue."**

She pretends that my intentions for Red John have not thrown her. I pretend to be surprised at her objection to my plans. Otherwise, we now see each other clearly. Calmly, firmly, she stands toe to toe with me at the line that is drawn between us.

Her position is utterly predictable. I knew she cared passionately about the law. Her ideals are now my greatest obstacle.

My jaw aches with the smile covering my despair. The inevitable conflict had to be acknowledged. She may suffer for my quest. But it won't be because I didn't warn her.


	66. What Are You, Exactly?

**This continues episode 9****: Flame Red.**

**For context, Jane just tricked Machado into confessing to Martin's murder. When he revealed the trick, Machado prepared to kill him, reasoning aloud that he could pretend that he thought Jane was an intruder, not a cop. If he really is a cop. That puzzled thought lead to the question that I used for the title quote here.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 65: "What are you, exactly?"**

A very good question. Right now the smartest man in the room feels like a world class idiot. Have I cornered this desperate killer, or has he cornered me?

Machado is shrewd and ruthless. He'll figure out that if I can't carry out a threat to light up this barn without risking my own fiery death. But if he shoots me and I drop the lighter, he could still die. It's a standoff.

If things weren't bad enough, the avenging arsonist just arrived. Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

Rigsby, Cho, where are you?!


	67. You Can Ask

**This continues episode 9****: Flame Red.**

**It was really hard to pick a quote for this installment. There are so many good ones from the scene where Jane interrogates Tommy and reveals his true nature. But I settled on Jane's reply when Thomas asks him to do one thing for him-to let Maddie know that he's sorry for hurting her. **

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 66: "You can ask."**

He thinks that I'm moralizing. That I don't understand his concept of justice, or the beauty of vengeance. That he knows the cost of revenge in ways that I don't.

He can go on thinking so. The truth is still mine.

I will honor his request, for all the good it does. The price that innocents pay for our vengeance is beyond doubt the most taxing. It is reassuring that in spite of the toll on his humanity, Thomas still has enough of a heart to care.

I very much doubt that I'll be so lucky.


	68. Total Nonsense

**This concludes episode 9****: Flame Red.**

**This is another scene that begs for further expansion. I will resist, for now, but if anyone else wants to give it whirl as a one shot, I will read with delight, even if your conclusions diverge vastly from my own.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 67: "Total nonsense, but quite good, nonetheless."**

As improvisational performance goes, my pep talk on the folly of revenge was inspired. I convinced Lisbon, who by now should know not to take anything I say at face value. So my delivery must have been impressive.

Even my father might have approved. Except that I almost believed it myself.

I knew every word to be true. I only had to pretend that I am neither mad nor foolish. And I must be at least one of the two.

Because once again I am alerting Lisbon to my true intentions. One warning should have been enough for us both.


	69. I Need a Favor

**This begins episode 10: ****Red Brick and Ivy.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 67: "I need a favor."**

I never meant to share this part of my life with anyone. But I owe Sophie.

I can't afford to owe anyone anything while I am hunting Red John. But here I go, enlarging my already substantial debt to Lisbon. Hopefully she won't pry or ask awkward questions.

Unlikely.

Since I declared my intentions for Red John, she has been watching me carefully. She worries about me. Feels responsible for me. It will get worse if she comes to know who Sophie is to me.

But how can I say no to a woman who kept me alive?


	70. You're Not Setting the Boundaries Here

**This continues episode 10: ****Red Brick and Ivy.**

**Dr. Sophie Miller's interrogation early in this episode showed her to be strong, smart, and assertive. It did not make her sound particularly innocent. Which posed viewers several questions: Could she be manipulating Jane? Did she have some hold on him? Who called the shots and what were the boundaries in their relationship? **

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 70: "You're not setting the boundaries here."**

Sophie Miller defined the boundaries of my world once. It was her calm confidence that called me back from the brink of despair. Her insistence that I could fight back put me on the path of purpose.

Now she is backed into a corner, standing her ground against the local police department. At least with our team I know there won't be an assumption of guilt.

When she needed help, she called on me. It's not easy or convenient, but I'll move the earth if that's what she needs.

Will it take earthquakes to convince Lisbon?


	71. She Wouldn't Lie to Me

**This continues episode 10: ****Red Brick and Ivy.**

**It has been noted before that Patrick has a weakness for strong women. And while to a degree Sophie did try to use Patrick here, I think he had good reasons to feel that he could trust her. And he was more or less right. Too bad about what happened to her.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 71: "She Wouldn't Lie to Me."**

I hope. I have good reason to hope. Sophie was in love with me, or something like it. Not that she would ever have acted on it. I was too vulnerable, and she was my psychiatrist. She tried hard to hide her feelings.

But I can see the feelings people hide.

She's still hiding. She doesn't want me to see how much she needs me. Not to mention anyone else. Like Lisbon.

Lisbon thinks Sophie might be manipulating me. Hard as that is to do, Sophie was once given the perfect opportunity.

And she didn't use it.


	72. It Was a Locked Room

**This continues episode 10: ****Red Brick and Ivy.**

**I love the moment when Patrick Jane lets his guard down and admits to what must seem to him an unspeakable weakness. I love how Teresa Lisbon honors his trust when he opens up to her. This is a key moment when something important changed. I hope that I have adequately conveyed its significance in Jane's eyes.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 72: "It was a locked room."**

Lisbon backed me unquestioningly. She deserves the truth. I struggle to find words to explain, dreading the possibility that she will see me differently when she fully understands what Red John did to me. Will she pity me? Will I be diminished in her eyes?

Will it be harder for her to trust me?

No.

I see sorrow in her eyes, but also respect.

She knows what it costs me to admit that I have been committed. If anything, she trusts me more. Admires me for overcoming a trauma that laid me that low. Confiding in Teresa sets me free.


	73. Frogs and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails?

**This continues episode 10: ****Red Brick and Ivy.**

**The first time I watched this episode, I thought that Stutzer was a flake at best, and probably a fraud. If I could tell, so could Jane. **

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 73: "Frogs and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails?"**

I haven't heard such a load of malarkey since I was selling it myself. Fairy tales like this peddled in houses of worship and on carny circuits is one thing, but when a man calls himself a scientist and starts talking about uncovering the mysteries of the soul, it's a bit hard to stomach. Whatever his academic reputation, this man is reading skull bumps and selling snake oils.

The question is, brilliant as he is deemed to be, does he himself know that he's spouting nonsense? Or is he fooling himself, as well?

I will be watching.


	74. Who'd Consult a Sick Doctor?

**This continues episode 10: ****Red Brick and Ivy.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 74: "Who'd Consult a Sick Doctor?"**

I know that Sophie must be innocent. With new suspects in view, she is sure to be exonerated. So why am I ill at ease?

Seeing her again, I'm reluctant to let her go so soon. Somehow it feels as if something is missing. Was I hoping that she would speak of her feelings more openly, now that I am no longer her patient? Or am I missing some detail that would let me know something is not quite right?

If there is something more to her distress, I should probe deeper. Whatever she needs, I would gladly supply.


	75. Is This You?

**This continues episode 10: ****Red Brick and Ivy.**

**The quote is when Jane asked Emily Nelson about the brunette in the picture with Alex. Can anyone see another possible application of the quote in my drabble?**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 75: "Is this you?"**

Not feeling too bad about Alex Nelson's untimely death, right now. He used and controlled the women in his life. If he could manipulate a woman as strong as Sophie into going blonde, and basically redesign Emily's whole life, what else might he have been capable of?

If Sophie really did kill him, could it have been justifiable?

Is that what I want to think, because I want to think well of Sophie?

Whatever she is hiding from me troubles me. What she said about attraction to "controlling but damaged and emotionally unavailable men" bothers me even more.

**When did Jane begin to doubt that Sophie was being completely honest with him? My guess is during his previous dialog with her, when she asked "Is this an interrogation?" **


	76. Don't Patronize Me

**This continues episode 10: ****Red Brick and Ivy.**

**My apologies to all who red the wrong version of this story. Not sure that I can explain, but I was working on something for Pi Day back in March and... oh, never mind, this is just very embarrassing. Thanks to Wolfhound 159 for a review which eventually prompted me to check what I posted.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 76: "Don't patronize me."**

An intuitive leap!

I pointed the way, but Lisbon had no trouble following the signs to the right conclusion.

It can be lonely, being the only one who sees beneath the surface, who catches small details that add up to big truths. I have no superiors, and few peers.

So it is gratifying to find Lisbon's natural instincts blossoming as we work together. She shows promise. I find that delightful, more than she can know.

To my regret, my purposes require that she consider my talents a mystery beyond the attainment of mere mortals, and believe my praise condescending.

**Did anyone else catch, during the last season, how Jane enjoyed drawing out and honing Lisbon's skills at observation and reasoning? I think he would be a natural teacher. Why do you suppose he might have been less encouraging during his quest for vengeance?**


	77. The Ultimate Sin

**This continues episode 10: ****Red Brick and Ivy.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 77: "The Ultimate Sin."**

I despise Lisbon's good instincts.

If she is right (I cannot deny that she has made some telling points) then Sophie is not at all who I thought she was. I wanted her to be a woman of integrity and conscience, like Angela. I wanted to believe that she had my best interests at heart, even when she needed my help. I wanted to think that she helped me because her strength and wisdom were beyond question.

I wanted to believe the con that I keep trying to sell Lisbon. That I am an utterly impeccable judge of character.


	78. I'd Like to Do Both

**This continues episode 10: ****Red Brick and Ivy.**

**Extra context: Sophie talks Jane through the workings of their "morality engine," and he responds with delighted enthusiasm. He must have a try, he insists. As subject or controller, she asks.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 78: "I'd like to do both."**

This technology would be a con man's dream, if it worked. To edit out people's moral scruples, (even your own) except when it suited you would mean untold power. A man who could frame such capabilities only in rosy terms is either naive in the extreme or else diabolically dangerous. Murder would be the least of which such a man would be capable.

So Stutzer must be our man.

Still, other questions seem more important to me now. Is Sophie complicit? To what degree? What is my obligation in light of the answers?

I must find a resolution.

**Was I the only one to think that animal cruelty was the least of the ethical dilemmas posed by Stutzer's research? **


	79. I Don't Like Being Played With

**This continues episode 10: ****Red Brick and Ivy.**

**Context: the line is Sophie Miller's, during a none-too-congenial interrogation in which Lisbon has her backed into a corner.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 79: "I don't like being played with."**

She carries a lot more anger than I realized. That may partly explain why she connected with me. We are two of a kind.

Which may also mean that she is capable of murder, whether on her own or in concert with Stutzer.

And right now her anger is aimed at Lisbon. I don't like that at all.

In spite of her best efforts, Lisbon is being too confrontational. It won't help her get the truth from Sophie.

I will need to get her alone to find my answers.

And to decide what I should do with them.

**At this point, is Jane helping Sophie, or Lisbon, or both? Or does he even know himself?**


	80. You Have a Choice

**This continues episode 10: ****Red Brick and Ivy.**

**The quote is Sophie's, in a flashback to Jane's time with her in the institution, just after Rosie has responded to her name, and just before Jane confronts Sophie alone.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 80: "You have a choice."**

The response of the creature in the cage reminds me of how it was to feel trapped. Powerless. As Sophie does now.

Suddenly, everything is clear.

This is what she tried to tell me, when I was helpless, hopeless. Whatever else happened, I could still choose my response.

Sophie Miller needs to see her choices clearly. Whatever else she has done or failed to do, she can choose now to tell me the truth. Or to run from it. She can choose to obstruct justice, or to help me serve it.

I will give back what I received from her.


	81. Yes, or No?

**This continues episode 10: ****Red Brick and Ivy.**

**The scene where Jane confronts Sophie gives me chills. Mostly good ones. Even though Simon Baker is a way better actor (in my opinion) than the woman who played Sophie Miller.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 81: "Yes, or no?"**

Moral decision making is much more complex than a binary switch system. No matter.

I have found Sophie's tells. Determined what kinds of pressure push her towards honesty, away from self deception. I will easily have her full cooperation to catch the killer.

The ridiculous contraption that is the brain child of the Stutzer Institute can't hold a candle to my skill at managing the human will and behavior.

And Stutzer, who evidently has adjusted the moral compass of quite a few people even without his morality engine, is about to get a taste of his own medicine.


	82. No, I Thought it was You

**This continues episode 10: ****Red Brick and Ivy.**

**Jane freely admitted after Chancellor Stern confessed to Alex Nelson's death that he expected Stutzer to be the killer. He had called him "The Wizard of Oz." Which just goes to show that even Patrick Jane doesn't know ****everything.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 82: "No, I thought it was you."**

I wasn't paying attention to the man behind the curtain.

It shouldn't surprise me that a man in Stutzer's position could be so completely clueless. But it does. We all have our blind spots, I suppose.

Sophie was one of mine. I so badly wanted to believe that I had been saved by a paragon, a saint, worthy of the adoration that I couldn't help feeling for her.

Now the pedestal is broken, my idol fallen. Her feet, like mine, are only clay.

Just as well. It is love that we need from others, not worship.


	83. Be Well

**This continues episode 10: ****Red Brick and Ivy.**

**This episode was dense with changes for Jane. Note the "continues" above? That means I'm not finished with this episode. Yet.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 83: "Be well."**

Until now, I didn't love Sophie. I loved my image of her. I saw her through rose colored glasses, ignoring the weakness, the messy humanity, that I usually see all too clearly in everyone I meet.

At last I understand what a wonder it is that someone who is hurting can help others. Sophie has done that, in spite of her own flaws. I can, too. Fighting back isn't just catching bad people and punishing them. It's also fixing the broken hearts.

This time, the healing is mutual.

And finally I care enough to let her go.


	84. Counts as What?

**This concludes episode 10: ****Red Brick and Ivy.**

**At the end of the episode, Lisbon teases Jane a bit, commenting that he kissed a girl. He clarifies that it was only on the cheek, and she responds, "It still counts." Jane's response is the title quote for this drabble.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 84: "Counts as what?"**

Teresa Lisbon knowing that I carried a torch for my psychiatrist is somewhat embarrassing. Still, it's nice that she cares.

She is reassured that I can care that deeply after all that I've lost. Relieved that I know it would have been unwise to pursue a relationship any further.

I have nothing more to offer Sophie. Clearing her of murder, encouraging her return to more meaningful work, will have to do.

Repaying Lisbon will be harder. I can start by not letting her get too attached to me, as Sophie did.

That has to count for something.


	85. How Do You Know That?

**This begins episode 10: ****Red John's friends.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 85: "How do you know that?"**

When I turned to walk away, I knew he'd drop the coy act and feed me whatever he thought would catch my attention.

It didn't occur to me that he'd mention this.

Details excluded from public coverage of the crime. Nothing I didn't already know. Still, Renfrew knows not only the facts, but the cruel intentions behind them. A design that no investigator has grasped as deeply as I did.

This has to be inside information.

He could be playing me. This might be the extent of what he knows.

But what if there _is_ more?


	86. If We Can't Touch It, We Can't Touch It

**This continues episode 10: ****Red John's Friends.**

**The quote is from Jane himself, when he is, as Minelli later puts it, lying through his teeth.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 86: "If we can't touch it, we can't touch it."**

Maybe "we" can't, but I can.

The CBI is a stepping stone, getting me closer to my quarry. Minelli can try to keep me from pursuing this lead. But nothing will stop me.

No use burning my bridges too soon, though. The resources here are valuable tools. So let them think that I will submit to their rules. Let them think I have been unguarded, tipping my hand to Minelli about my ultimate intentions.

In the end, it will come down to me and Red John.

And then no one, not Minelli, not even Lisbon, will stay my hand.


	87. Deal

**This continues episode 10: ****Red John's Friends.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 87: "Deal."**

Disapproval rings in every word, dances in every gesture, and settles like dust on every expression. I expected that.

What I didn't expect was for Lisbon to be so forthright and accommodating. So reasonable.

She just wants to be kept in the loop, and she wants to keep me from getting tossed out of the CBI on my ear.

Both of those are things that help me too, at least for the moment.

So yes, I'll call her if I get into trouble. I'll keep the CBI out of it.

That's how I prefer it, too.


	88. Y'are What Y'are

**This continues episode 10: ****Red John's Friends.**

**The Renfrew matriarch is one of the most initially ****likable, and ultimately disturbing, of the Mentalist villains. Did any of you suspect her when you first watched this episode? Any theories as to why Jane, by his own admission, suspected Gardner, instead, until Mrs. Renfrew called him?**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 88: "Y'are what y'are."**

In spite of her life of privilege and wealth, she has a blunt, easygoing honesty about her. She has an openness, a disdain for pretense, that makes it easy to feel comfortable with her. She readily shares her memories of young Jared. In spite of his faults, she seems to cherish a fondness for him that is lacking in her relationship with his stuffed shirt of a brother.

She is not apparently distressed that her son is incarcerated, but is open to the idea that he might be innocent, in spite of overwhelming evidence against him.

She is a puzzle.


	89. If I'm Dorothy, Who Are You?

**This continues episode 10: ****Red John's Friends.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 89: "If I'm Dorothy, then who are you?"**

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

He thinks he can pull the strings, but he's just a puppet in a bureaucracy full of marionettes. And he has nothing to offer that is worth holding back my efforts. I have all the brains and courage that I need for my task. And who really needs a heart anyway? It isn't as if Minelli has one to give me.

But there stands Teresa, looking lost, forlorn. My words of farewell are hard won, even painful.

Maybe there are, after all, some things I will regret leaving behind.


	90. Thank You

**This continues episode 10: ****Red John's Friends**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 90: "Thank you."**

This is a fine pickle I've gotten myself into.

Brooding on my lost lead, I kick myself for burning bridges too soon. What did I accomplish with my noble gesture? Resigning kept Minelli off Lisbon's case, won me a little respect. Taking advantage of CBI resources would have gotten me farther in case of dead ends like this. Until I got caught again, at least.

My father would laugh. Taken in by my own con.

Then my cell rings.

Lisbon.

The team offers me food, information. She downplays the risk to them.

Eyes stinging, throat constricting, I accept.


	91. He Has to Break Cover

**This continues episode 10: ****Red John's Friends**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 91: "He has to break cover."**

This is what I've been waiting for.

To know what someone wants is to have an element of control. Red John wants Renfrew dead. Which means Renfrew's information is a danger to him.

At last something I can really work with!

It's one thing to suspect, another to have plausible evidence. But now I know. I have him.

My excitement is verges on exuberance. Lisbon and the others are more cautious.

It makes no difference what the obstacles are. I will do whatever is necessary to get Renfrew out. No matter what.


	92. No, You Try

**This continues episode 10: ****Red John's Friends**

**This was Jane's first attempt to really draw Lisbon into his world. She doesn't have a badge to gain access to a person of interest, but when she tells him to do the talking, this is his response.**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 92: "No, you try."**

She's afraid of flying. She doesn't know how easy, how freeing it can be to let go and improvise. I know she has it in her. After what she has done for me, I'd love to give her that chance. To experience getting in-not just in someone's apartment, in someone's head. Figuring out what they want, what they fear, what drives them. How to get what you need from that.

There's no guarantee that I'll get to see her discover this after Red John...

Just one problem. She isn't ready yet.

**There were other ways I could have gone with this. Did Jane set her up to fail because he wanted to remind her of how she needed him? Was he just playing with her and messing with her head, knowing she couldn't do it? Not this time, I decided. Not as close as he thought he was to ending his quest.**


	93. One of You is Wrong

**This continues episode 10: ****Red John's Friends**

**This can be read with the latest chapter of Never Having to Say: "That's not what I feel..."**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 93: "One of you is wrong."**

Lisbon worries needlessly. I know what Red John will do. I will be ready for him.

He is clever, no doubt. He thinks he can silence Renfrew, right under our noses. He doesn't know what I am capable of. Rigsby and Cho will not be watching for him, but I will. I will make him sorry that he ever drew a breath.

Lisbon doesn't understand. I'm glad she won't be there. She won't be blamed for my actions. I won't have to see her disappointment when her best efforts to thwart my vengeance fail.

**It's kind of heart breaking how wrong Jane was. I'm glad Lisbon declined to say "I told you so."**


	94. My Fault

**This continues episode 10: ****Red John's Friends**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 93: "My fault."**

I should have seen it coming. So caught up in how Red John had to keep his secrets, it didn't occur to me how Renfrew feared to lose his life.

All he needed was a distraction. I was all too distracted, looking for an enemy who didn't even have to show up to thwart me.

Cho's kicking himself, Lisbon's cleaning up after my mistake, and once again, once AGAIN, my hands are empty.

I can't let them see the personal impact. But the least I owe them is to accept the blame that I deserve.


	95. What Do You Think it Means?

**This continues episode 10: ****Red John's Friends**

**For the other side of this unspoken dialogue, check out the most recent installment of "Never Having to Say..." titled: "You deserve better than pity."**

**I do not own the Mentalist. I make no money from this.**

**chapter 95: "What do you think it means?"**

It means that I lost him.

...that he was the one playing me, when I thought I finally had him.

...that he is mocking me, rubbing my nose in his victory yet again.

...that his reach is far wider and his grasp far tighter than I had realized.

...that my friends risked their jobs for nothing. Just this pathetic, sad, broken man's illusions.

Why doesn't Lisbon deliver that good swift kick that I deserve for letting him outsmart me?

Her silence means she cares more about my own pain than her pride.

How do I conceivably deserve such kindness?


End file.
